Make Your Translation More Readable (3)

5. Too many “的”, “我们” and “您” can make the sentence awkward, we should avoid using too many of them if it is possible. 1) Together, we will deliver more of what our customers need and want by providing and protecting what is vital – clean water, safe food, abundant energy and healthy environments. 合併後,我們將提供我們客戶需要的更多的產品和服務,提供和保護至關重要的清潔水、安全食品、豐富的能源和健康的環境。 合併後,我們將提供客戶需要的更多產品和服務,提供和保護重要的清潔水、安全食品、豐富能源和健康環境。 2) First impressions have an impact, and we want our new company to start out well with consistent, positive and personal outreach. 第一印象很重要,所以我們要求我們的新公司以堅持不懈的、積極的以及個人的努力創造一個良好的開端。 第一印象很重要,所以我們希望新公司以堅持不懈、積極和個人努力創造一個良好的開端。 3) Sometime on Day One or soon after that, your manager will meet with you and share a presentation that provides an overview of our new organization and outlines our plans for growth. “第一天”的某個時候,或之後不久,您的主管將會約見您,與您分享一個提供我們的新機構概況和規劃我們的發展計劃的報告。 「第一天」的某個時候或之後不久,您的主管將會約見您並分享一個報告,介紹新機構概況並規劃我們的發展計劃。 6. Appropriate usage of punctuation (for example, parentheses and colon) can make a complicated sentence simplified. 1) I have identified a major risk to supply based on the contracts for the suppliers I manage. 我發現了一個基於我管理的供應商的合同之上的重大供應風險。 我發現了一個基於供應商(這些供應商由我管理)合同的重大供應風險。 2) The process of selecting these leaders has been thoughtful and collaborative, in keeping with the principles that drive all of our integration planning efforts. 選擇這些領導者的過程是按照推動我們整個整合規劃的原則經過周密考慮和協調的。 選擇這些領導的過程是經過周密考慮和協調、按照推動我們整個整合轉向力的原則進行的。 3) We are now extremely well positioned to fully capture these opportunities across our business sectors. 我們現在正處于我們的各業務部門都能充分利用這些機會的一個極為有利的位置上。 我們現在正處于一個極為有利的位置上-我們的各業務部門都能充分利用這些機會。 7. Using all punctuations from the source language can make the translation awkward sometimes. Change it to make the translation fluent when it is necessary. 1) Similar to warfarin across major subgroups with the exception of age where there was a trend towards a higher incidence of major bleeding for patients >75 years of age 和华法令阻凝剂类似,主要亚组除年龄外,大出血患者发病率较高>75 岁 除了年龄大于 75 岁患者大出血发病率较高外,主要亚组和华法令阻凝剂类似。 2) Thinking of your atrial fibrillation (AF) patients on warfarin, what percent would you say are...? 根据您所利用华法令阻凝剂的心房颤动 (AF) 患者,多大比例患者...? 考虑您的使用华法令阻凝剂的心房纤颤 (AF) 患者,您觉得效果如下的比例分别是多少? (To be continued)

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